the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
