stop calling my apartment porn island.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
