my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
