hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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