all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
