Who did Billy Mays play for?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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