i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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