anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
