Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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