The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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