She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Im part way to drunk.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
