Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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