I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
