my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the day after is always just damage control
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hippo gnu deer
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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