hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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