College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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