I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
