Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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