Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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