i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize