I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
