You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
