I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
