I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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