just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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