I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
