so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
