I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
