Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am one with the molecules
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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