Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
