you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
worst night to have a conscience
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize