i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
so much tequila, so little girl.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
