the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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