I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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