Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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