The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i've created a new STD.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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