Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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