God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
