So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
