It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
