i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
