and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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