I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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