That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
