you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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