i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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