sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize