i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
