where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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