My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize