seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
