I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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