You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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