as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
