things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
