My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
