i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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