You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
